"Blues University"

(In response to a New York Times article by Rick Bragg stating that the blues are no longer heard in the Mississippi Delta from original artist. The author stated that most artist come from a collection of yuppies and fans from Asia and Europe. James "T-Model" Ford said outsiders might play a tune from the Delta, but there is no feeling it it. "It's Just" he said, "something you hear".)

Well, I thought about this and my well oiled marketing mind went to work and came up with an entrepreneurial idea for somebody in the Delta to make a killing.

We've got all these yuppies, foreigners, and wannabe musicians who are stroking the strings but not hearing the harmony like Lightin' Hopkins, Muddy Waters, BB King. And the sad part about it is this, if you really are committed to the blues, and even if you're tremendously talented, you never really get all the way there because, like T-Model Ford said, "You got to get the blues fo you can sing the blues."

Now here's an idea. Set up a Blues University in the Delta. I don't mean a fancy school with central air and laptop computers. I'm talking a real Blues University. The course would be one year long. Should you survive, then you graduate in December.

Now here's how you need to format the curriculum:.

Students move into a shabby farm tenant house. This shotgun house has one bedroom with 8 bunks and seven blankets. The center of the house has one pot-bellied stove. Each student is given the instructions orally one time and one time only about the critical need for wood to make this thing work. Their teamwork will depend on keeping warm, keeping fed, keeping clean and keeping alive through the first months in school.

All labor will be provided by Professor Bubby, the farm manager. All room and board will be deducted from your salary at the end of each week. If there is any money left over at the end of the year once charges are deducted, you will be given those in promised bonuses at the end of the year. If it appears a bonus is forthcoming, which will be as rare as having caviar around that pot-bellied stove, then additional charges such as outhouse privileges may kick in automatically and without advanced notice. So don't go spending that money on needless expenditures such as a badly infected tooth.

That's orientation and the first month. As Blues University continues in Feb. you will be given the task of cleaning, sharpening and painting all farm equipment in preparation of spring planting. This of course will be mule-powered equipment. That's from the same mule you will be caring for lovingly every single day you're in school.

Each night during the cold Delta winter months, you will be expected to gather around a fire, either inside or outside and practice singing the blues. You will be amazed at how calluses, cold weather and aching body parts will improve the harmony each progressive night.

By March, Blues University takes you on field trips from 4:30 am to 8pm. These will be cotton field trips. You will be given the ultimate experience to learn new words like Gee! HO! Back Now and Come on Mule! These are part of the communication class with a four footed jackass. You will be expected to learn this early on or be kicked out of class--literally--kicked out of class.

By April and May you will have a new appreciation of cotton bath towels. For that matter, cotton anything. You will learn that a "ho" is something with a handle and that grits are a staple of life. You will watch new life spring for rich Delta soil and be as protective as a new parent. You will battle invading grass in singing and swinging groups of troubadours, who move through the fields, row by row, sun up-sun down.

By June the cotton will be knee high and your spirits will be ankle low. The grass will be gaining and the days will be so hot you can feel your feet burn from the holes in the tattered shoes. But take heart. Be motivated. Because now those nighttime gatherings of playing the blues underneath the chinaberry tree are taking on a whole new harmony.

By July, you wake up praying God will give you a break and transport you immediately to Hell. You sleep at night with an open window and blanket of mosquitoes. You make a soup from anything you can catch from a turtle to a alligator gar. Your alarm clock is the rooster on Professor Bubba's place and you dream about kidnapping it for both silence and soup.

Cotton is chest high and you are tempted to lie down in the shade. The only reason you don't is because of the total lack of air circulation and Professor Bubba's lack of congeniality. At nighttime you're now writing new Blues lyrics using utopian words such as "Lay-by". You fail to recognize one of your fellow students from the mule and you think December is as far away as Denmark.

By August, Blues University begins to payoff in personal dividends. For those remaining alive, those catchy blues nicknames are now earned with a withdrawal of sweat filled days and sleepless night. Your bunkmate Gary Gilroy is now Gary "Gut-Pucking" Gilroy. The overweight English guy is now known as "Ribs" and because of your encounter with milking the bull on your second day at Blues University, you are being referred to affectionately as "Squeaky".

By September, the cotton AND the reason you enrolled in Blues University are BOTH over your head. You put down the hoe, change the mule over from single row plow to wooden cotton wagon. You're issued one authentic, genuine, cotton-sack with a non-adjusting strap. If you are one of the better pickers..and we're not talking musical instrument here, then you're given a cherished pair of knee-pads. Protect them my friends. They are like contraband in prison. Should Professor Bubba find you misusing the knee pads for any other creative reason, you will immediately lose your knee-pad privileges.

By October, as you watched the cotton mature from squares to blooms, bolls to sharp pointed hulls, your hands have the feel of a buffalo hide in a Waring Blender. You've pulled a thousand sacks down a thousand dusty cotton rows and your harmony is beginning to grow as strong as your ham-bones.

By late October, the first Fall cold spell re-introduces the nighttime chill though the cracks in walls. You now have serious doubts about being able to even walk across the stage to get that diploma without physical assistance.

In November, if you are one of the lucky ones to make it this far, you will be invited to the Delta's version of the Hawaiian Luau. This one differs in several distinct ways. You will be asked to select several hogs from Professor Bubba's place, slaughter the hogs and pack the choicest selection in Blues University's cafeteria, also known as the "Plantation Kitchen". You will then be rewarded by being permitted to keep the following sections of the hogs: the head, stomach, feet and, if you have no black marks on your record, the tail. And don't ask for more, because----t-t-t-that's all folks!

Now comes December and time for graduation. That expensive guitar you brought with you is now being held together by three string and duct tape. But the music coming from that instrument now is in no way recognizable from the pitiful, artificial blues you attempted back before your enrollment in Blues University. Your music sounds as different as you do AND look. Like boot camp, Blues University has broken you down to dirt level. Unlike boot camp, Blues University intentionally avoids building you back up.

You stand there a broken hearted individual who can now go forth and sings the blues with REAL feelings. It's not just a diploma; you've been given a blues transfusion. It's felt in your veins and seen in the hollowness of your eyes.

Now as a graduate of Blues University, you can stand up on any stage, pick up a harmonica and a $10.00 guitar and sing the blues with FEELINGS, REAL FEELINGS!

One final note. Upon graduation, Professor Bubba will charge any remaining surplus to the Chitterlings fund from the hog slaughter. You will be reminded before final departure that you could lose the ability to play the blues with feelings should you actually become successful. And finally, should you wish to receive a Masters Degree from Blues University, it is necessary to repeat the previous year's labor for most of one's lifetime. Nobody said it was easy. Blues University. Enrollment begins soon.

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