"It's not SEX, It's POLITICS!"

Here's a bulletin! For all of you parents who are sending your sons and daughters off to college, a reminder to sit them down and have THE TALK with them before they depart. Before you place them in the hands of liberal professors who are intent on rebuilding their brains, share with them openly and honestly the facts of life. I'm not talking about sex. With MTV, your child already has a doctorate in sex education that would make a sea faring sailor blush. I'm talking about THE TALK..the real "birds & bees" facts about POLITICS. Think about it, how many of you parents have taken the time to explain to your kids the vast differences between liberals and conservatives? They need to know that everything you've taught them is about to come under fire. This will be done not in a full frontal assault, but in subtle ambush methods of brain washing. Please, sit your sons and daughters down and share with them the following points before you kiss those sweet, innocent cheeks goodbye:

Number 1- As parents, we LOVE you. We are, most likely, the only two people on the face of the earth who would take a bullet for you. If your professor pontificates about how much love there is on the LEFT side of the isle, simply stand up and ask him if he would take a bullet for you!

Number 2-Tell them that some of their professors, not all, will systematically endeavor to strip you down so they can build you up. It's kind of like the Army. The premise is this; if you want to be all that you can be, you've got to rid yourself of all preconceived ideology. You must open your mind, expand your horizon, welcome new and exciting thoughts, boldly go where the less intelligent dare to wander.

Number 3-Some of them will tell you, at a time when you are most vulnerable, that any faith is frivolous. If it has been mandated by your parents and you didn't have any choice in the selection, start over. They will suggest to you, maybe even in veiled innuendoes, that any new faith found will be one with a more satisfying, solid foundation.

Number 4-You will get the impression by second semester that liberalism is in vogue and conservatism, like that of your Neanderthal parents, is mean and outdated. And that individualism is just a keyword for capitalism with all the evil it brings. Tell your children to stand guard, be vigilant, and QUESTION IT! QUESTION IT! QUESTION IT! No matter what your professor is smoking at the time. Tell them to compare the gross national product of the United States of America with any communist country that's ever existed.

And finally,

Number 5-You tell them you've spent over 17 years as parents preparing them for this moment. Those were 17 years filled with mumps and measles, runny noses and runny diapers, medical bills and braces, evening gowns and tux, sleepless nights and overtime workdays, tears of sadness, disappointment, anger, sheer unadulterated fear and most of all tears of joy. Seventeen years of other parents' teenagers parading through the house and raiding the refrigerator, dates and dances, boring recitals and phone calls and pitiful excuses 38 seconds away from curfew . You tell Mr. Professor if he wants to rebuild you into a new political person, if he wants to clone your mind into another useless Clintonite, then HE SHOULD START WITH THE LABOR PAINS AND END UP WITH PAYING EVERY SINGLE CENT OF YOUR STUDENT LOAN. THAT'S ONLY FAIR.

So, PLEASE have this talk with your sons and daughters before they leave. There are horror stories too numerous to mention where bright, normal kids of conservative parents have returned home with minds as disarrayed as their dirty laundry. You know it's true what they say, "With tuition prices as high as they are now, a mind is a terrible thing to waste!"

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