The Bucket Brigade and the Professional Beggar

It is way past time that we pass a law prohibiting panhandlers and members of the "Church of the Seventh Heaven" for soliciting on busy intersections. I've had it with these "Road Robbers". Every single day on the way home we're confronted with some fanatic fringe faith group or the designated homeless solicitor of the day. It's time to stop it! It's time to pass a law that protects these people from hostile bumpers containing drivers who have been working overtime to earn more money to pay more taxes for more social program handouts. (Whew) And all these tired, hard working folks want to do is just get home and go to bed so they can be rested enough for the next workday.

Before I go on, let me say there are some outstanding non-profit groups who also use the "intersection-intervention" method. I think most of these folks would be glad to shift the annual fund raising event to some other location. Why we allow solicitation on busy intersections and at the same time worry about drivers who's attention span shrinks smaller each year than their cell phone, is an absolute quandary. And what's worse is, these people who have made a career out of panhandling get more brazen all the time. They weave in and out, between starts and stops like PacMan.

A caller once confided on the air that he took a buddy's dare to play "bum for a day" as a panhandler. I think he said he pulled in around $200.00. Not bad uh? That's tax-free. So, how can I become a professional panhandler? What is the overhead? What do I need to get started? Are there tips to increase my income? Well, here's what I've learned from research, callers' experiences and over three decades of broadcast/marketing.

1-Should you decide to become a roadside beggar, the cost is relative to your creativity. Most semi-successful professional beggars recommend a cardboard sign no less than 15 X 15 inches. When you have selected your special piece of cardboard, make sure the edges are NOT smooth. This may seem minor, but it is most important. Statistical data confirms the torn, ragged look enhances the overall revenue. If you're in the Bucket Brigade, choose short words- Why? The bucket is round and you want drivers to see the whole pitch at one time.

2-What you put on your sign is critical. You may not know this, but most people who have been in the circuit for a while share success stories. Whatever words you choose, keep them to a minimum. If you're a professional beggar, make sure you incorrectly spell at least one word on your cardboard sign….something cute if possible. Once you've been in the "loop" for a while and make some important contacts, you can check around as to what works best. Until then, some all-time great marketing signs have been, "FEED A VET", "STRANDED-HELP GIT HOME", "HUNGRY FOR HAMBURGER", "WILL WORK FER FOOD" and, according to one caller to the show, "I CAN'T LIE…I NEED A BEER!".

3-If you're part of the Bucket Brigade collecting on a busy intersection and masquerading as a non-profit church group, don't even attempt to fake the name of a church. Just put in big letters on your bucket, HELP MY BROTHER or JESUS LOVES THE CHILDREN or HELP DO THE LORD'S WORK, or FEED THE LITTLE ONES. Jeez, people won't be able to sleep at night if they don't fall for your extortionist-marketing ploy.

4-Make eye contact and then point to the sign/bucket and back to yourself. It's like sign language and it's very effective. Most drivers will avoid eye contact with you at all cost. But once you lock on to ANYONE's eyes in the vehicle, your chances will greatly improved. You see, these people know that by pointing at YOU, the fickle finger of fate is in your hands. YOU among all the others who have come together at this brief moment in history, at this particular intersection, have to make the decision to be either a Good Samaritan or a sanctimonious scrooge.

5-If you're in the Bucket Brigade and you just happen to be asked what the money is going for? Simple, just rehearse a short dissertation that will put tears in their eyes. If they continue to question, talk a little slower. The traffic light will come to your rescue before real facts are actually needed.

6-The dress code for professional beggars is critical. If you're a guy who is planning on embarking on this career of choice, you must grow a beard. If you invest in a quality fake beard, that's fine, but be careful it doesn't dangle off the chin just as you're approaching a little old lady in a new Cadillac. Also, it won't be necessary to worry yourself to a fritter about a diversified wardrobe. Anything camouflage from the war surplus store will qualify.

7-There are other tips for professional beggars that can dramatically increase daily income several hundred dollars. You might not think they are important but believe me, they work. We're talking emotions here folks. Here's the rest of the list to compliment your marketing strategy.

a- Bring a dog. Not just any dog…a PUPPY. They are cheaper to feed, easier to control and most of all, they are CUTE! It's hard for you to ignore a professional beggar when little Johnny is jumping up and down saying, "Daddy, PLEASE give them some dollars so the puppy won't DIE!" Just one puppy (any breed) can raise daily income 42%. By the way, doesn't anyone ever ask, "If the guy can't feed himself, what's he doing with a DOG?"

b- Use at least one crutch. And by the way, bandages are good; things like neck braces, arm slings and foot wraps. I've mentioned this on the show once and it's TRUE. I saw a professional beggar limp in place as the red light backed up his next line of clients. Leaving the office late that evening I saw the same guy carrying the crutch under his arm while walking briskly to his vehicle. What a country. Get a crutch. They don't cost that much and it increases revenue 22% per day.

These techniques are not all that complicated. What you've got to do is appeal to the clients' emotions, and you only have a few seconds at best. If you see a professional beggar leaning on a crutch at the next intersection, wearing camo clothing, holding a puppy in one bandaged arm and a tattered cardboard sign in the other hand, HE'S A REAL PRO. In that few moments of opportunity, he has mounted a full frontal assault on every possible emotion.

Anyway, if you offer to drive the beggar to a place that's hiring unskilled workers, feeding the poor, providing overnight shelter or drug and alcohol rehabilitation, you're intentions are appreciated but ignored. What they're looking for is not care but cash. It's gotten so bad that churches now have to warn employees and volunteers to expect the same panhandlers on a daily basis if they ever give to them once. From then on they'll know what time you get to work and what time you leave. As for the Bucket Brigade, if you ask too many questions, you're dismissed as a heathen and they move on to another "hit". I'd suggest the next time we all ask these questions- What's the charity? Are you tax-exempt? Can you give me the mailing address so I can send a check when I get home? Do you have a permit to solicit? Can I meet your pastor tomorrow to suggest a different fund raising method? This way, the traffic light works in YOUR favor!

Now, I know this may sound a little cruel, but it's not. What these people are doing is dangerous, even if they do wear a $2.75 orange vest. And just to set your mind at ease, there's no reason for you to feel guilty. Most of us give at church and at the office (paycheck deductions for social programs). As Americans and Mississippians we're some of the most generous people on the face of the earth. Grandma's advice might be, "Just make sure those you give to are deserving in honesty and need." If you don't follow that advice, it's nothing more than a roadside pigeon drop.

Paul Gallo

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