"You Might Be a Doofus!"

On the SuperTalk Network and the Gallo Radio Show, we don't always talk politics. So in the spirit of the holidays let it be known that this diatribe is one of frivolity. Many times on this show I have referred to someone as a "Doofus". In the past I've received emails asking, "What is a Doofus"? Well, I sat and thought for a few moments and came up with these descriptions.

-If you've ever misused Preparation H and had to read the directions-You might be a Doofus!
-If you think Richard Barrett is a typical Mississippian- You might be a Doofus!
-If you voted for Bill Clinton twice and Al Gore once AND you were not under the influence of mind-altering drugs at the time- You might be a Doofus!
-If you tend to argue with recorded telephone messages and in the end really feel that you got your point across- You might be a Doofus!
-If you think you got that credit card in the mail because your special- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've just found another perfect diet plan that involves sitting, sleeping or eating anything you want anytime your want- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever used the words Monica Lewinsky and victim in the same sentence- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever enjoyed carrying on a conversation with a telephone marketer- You might be a Doofus!
-If you STILL believe Tommy Tuberville- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever described locking your keys in your car as a "wonderful learning experience"- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever surprised your wife with a Thighmaster for her birthday, You might be a Doofus!
-If you're on a first name basis with someone from Ms Cleo's Network- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've licked over 5,000 envelopes in the comfort of your home and you're STILL near bankruptcy- You might be a Doofus!
-If you believe the words "Easy to assemble" on anything- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever voted for a candidate just because the campaign slogan was, "It's time for a CHANGE"- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever used just half the recommended dosage on a TV hair growth product, because you DIDN'T WANT TO OVERDO IT!- You might be a Doofus!
-If you bought anything for four times its actual value because Martha Stewart's name was on it- You might be a Doofus!
-If you play bingo for the sole purpose of supporting your favorite charity- You might be a Doofus!
-If you drive 45 mph in the left lane and don't understand why people give you a dirty look and a single digit- You might be a Doofus!
-If you think the State Legislature really did want to choose a redistricting map and not let the courts take the heat- You might be a Doofus!
-If you think companies seeking near bankrupt customers are spending millions just to help you solve your financial nightmare- You might be a Doofus!
-If you think Jackson residents really understand the relationship between bad government and bad politicians- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever ordered from QVC a pink weight scale to surprise your wife- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever held from your husband a well deserved "I told you so" more than 24 hours- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever smiled through a seafood buffet line, creating three layers of everything from fried fish to apple cobbler, and that was on the first pass, then you order a DIET drink to wash it down- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever told your kids, "This is going to hurt me more than you!" while holding a two foot long paddle that was two inches think and drilled with holes for extra aeronautical speed upon impact- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever tried on a dress backward in a department store fitting room and like it that way better- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever fallen for your ex's late alimony excuse, while he was on his cell phone from a fancy restaurant- You might be a Doofus!
-If you were really surprised to find out were Buffalo wings come from- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever grabbed the wrong shopping cart and decided to keep it because you liked what they had better- You might be a Doofus!
-If you have ever believed a car dealer was actually going to LOSE money on the incredible deal he just offered you for a limited time only- You might be a Doofus!
-If you wear long socks with Bermuda shorts just to be fashionable- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've ever made change when the church basket was passed your way- You might be a Doofus!
-If you add two scoops of Ben & Jerry's to your SlimFast, just to make it thicker- You might be a Doofus!
-If you actually moo to cows while driving pass- You might be a Doofus!
-If you blow your nose in a crowded elevator and look at the handkerchief- You might be a Doofus!
-If you pass gas in a crowded elevator and are dumb enough to say "Excuse me!"- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've every asked for help unlocking your car because the key won't work for some reason, then discover it's not YOUR car- You might be a Doofus!
-If you've had more people smile at you because you accidentally left your zipper down then did it again just to cheer people up- You might be a Doofus!
-If you leave the liquor store with a corkscrew and a BOX of wine- You might be a Doofus!
-If a neighbor has to tell you that the timer on your landscape lights are set for the daytime, after you've replaced three sets- You might be a Doofus!
-If you need a second opinion on plugging 162 strands of Christmas lights into one outlet- You might be a Doofus!
-If the words, "Don't you agree" follow "I'm such a Butthead"- You might be a Doofus!
-If you believe carnival games are legit, and that players are just having a bad day- You might be a Doofus! And finally
-If you think Mike Moore is going to run for Governor, Amy Tuck is switching parties and Bill Minor would admit to listening to this show- You might be a Doofus!

Well, I've learned something in doing this. Since I qualify for several of these, please include me as a "Doofus". Happy Holidays and God Bless.

Paul Gallo

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