"Osama: Portrait of a Failure"

No doubt you've gotten the email that states the failure rate of Osama Bin Laden's suicide missions. The email makes some very good points statistically that he achieved very little of his overall objective. Well, along with OBL's failure as a leader, he has failed in at least a dozen other attempted endeavors. Let me count the ways-

1-He's a failure as a son, a brother, a husband, a father, an uncle and even as an employer. Most of his kin would rather come in contact with anthrax than Osama.

2-He's a failure as a religious leader; turning millions of people around the world against Muslims. Today, in the eyes of a lot of people, the Islamic religion is one of terror.

3-He's a failure to even the Taliban. I would think when your head guy causes the entire group to be annihilated, you wouldn't be in line for the next promotion.

4-He's a failure at human rights. The injustices done in the name Allah, is one of stabs, stoning, amputations and a variety of other creative tortures listed in the Taliban Handbook under "Justice-101".

4-He's a failure to the opposite sex. If you haven't seen how women are treated under the Taliban rule, go the appropriate web site and start reading. Rumors abound that his personal inadequacies have played a part in the ingenious ways women are treated like livestock. On second thought, the camels are treated much better and they don't have to sleep with him...or do they?

And there's more. Thanks to this completely incompetent jerk-

5-Americans are now experiencing the greatest surge of patriotism since the bombing of Pearl Harbor. And it's not a phony, pre-fabricated patriotism either. It's as real as record sales of Old Glory in every size and every form imaginable. And Mr. Bin-Laden, you should know that your complete and utter failure is solely responsible. Today, most Americans are sheltering this passion for our country as seeds deep within the soul. This will not die; this will not fade; this will not be diminished in importance as an integral part of our lives and the lives of generations to come.

6-The World Trade Towers will rise again from the ashes. Thanks to OBL, a shining Memorial will breed patriotism till the next century and beyond. The Pentagon's open wound will also heal. But the names of those innocent citizens listed on its Memorial will be emblazoned on the minds of the whole world forever.

7-In his attempt to turn the Middle East into one, united enemy and starve our capitalistic vehicles of fuel, he has failed. Thank you Osama for making gasoline prices the cheapest in years. Who would have believed gas for under a dollar?

8-Thank you Osama for your failure to recognize America's resolve. Because of you, families are spending more time together; churches are experiencing overflow crowds and recreational venues are reaching Pre-9/11 numbers.

9-Thank you Osama for completely neutralizing future hijackers on airlines. If you had just told us about your intentions twenty years ago, we could have rendered hijacking obsolete. Because of your inept failure, future hijackers have as much of a chance succeeding as Clarence Thomas becoming President of the NAACP.

10-Thank you Osama for finally drawing attention to immigration laws in this country that are a joke. The man who let you slide, (Bill Clinton) opened the doors to tens of thousands of illegal immigrants. He screwed the people and padded the political numbers. And, all the while, you took advantage of his narcissistic and corrupt agenda. A lot of people sounded warnings, but there wasn't one single human being in the United States the masses would listen to. Your feeble attempt to tear down this country is the cause for more open eyes that may lead to more closed borders at a time when we must "watch our back".

11-And oh, please do not let me forget to thank you for quieting liberal lawmakers when it comes to our military. Before your failure, the democrats in either or both the legislative and executive branch caused our military to weaken, much to your delight. But because of you, liberals are not quite as vocal now. The days of worrying more about gays than new technology; putting more in social programs than in soldier salaries; being so politically correct that gender-based training was more important that wartime reality, is possible a thing of the past.

12-And finally, this year we will celebrate Christmas as the birth of Christ--followed by the arrival of Santa Claus. That's the way it should be. Before you came along, Osama, we were having some difficult arranging these two details in the proper order. We owe this to you, Mr. Bin-Laden. As a fumbling, bumbling idiot you have at least put our priorities in perfect prospective.

For all of these failures we send "Thank You" greetings in the form of personalized 5,000lb bunker-busting bombs. And all delivered right to your front door just in time for your holidays-----no receipt necessary! We're glad to do it!
Paul Gallo

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